I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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