Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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