"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
