don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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