I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
