Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
