She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
