i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
