Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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