did you get engaged???
found the other keg... it's in the tree
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
