how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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