i don't like sucking hair
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
