"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
