She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
