Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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