dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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