What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
