He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
