just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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