He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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