mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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