Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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