Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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