bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
