She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
