normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
