Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
