This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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