Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
