Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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