he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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