I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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