Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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