Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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