college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
