I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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