My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
