I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
