Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Sorry about my life...
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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