I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
