She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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