he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
