If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
