My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
