In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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