I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
