my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
