I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
