Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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