My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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