the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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