And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
