So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
